It takes courage

TRIGGER WARNING: The contents of this post may contain triggers for those who have suffered childhood traumas.  Proceed with caution.

In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. -Thich Nhat Hanh

Letter to inner child part 2

 

Dear Gwennie,

I remember the first time he abused you. Well, it is the first memory I have of the abuse. You were standing in your grandmother’s bathroom with your pants down around your ankles and he whispered in your ear “If you tell anyone, I will tell them it was your fault”. I saw everything from outside of you. I saw the terror on your face but I felt the fear inside of me that had frozen you. I watched you as you walked into the living room where you saw your grandmother rocking your baby sister…she was an infant. Terror still on your face, but no one noticed. You couldn’t of been older than six since you were that age when your sister was born.

It was not your fault Gwennie. You were just a kid. And it does no good for me to keep blaming him. Blaming him will not erase this pain. You just need to know it was not your fault. You didn’t do anything to provoke him.

It wasn’t your fault that you didn’t tell anyone. You were afraid and you believed him when he said he would tell everyone it was your fault. Because you believed it was your fault and some part of you still believes it.

You suffered in silence for a long time, but as you got older, you found the courage to change everything.

Like one time when you were 12 and he was invited on a family camping trip. You had returned to the camper earlier to sleep while everyone else talked and laughed around the campfire. He awoke you from sleep by fondling you. You had on those red and white striped pajamas you loved so much that unzipped from the back. It was very convenient for him since you had your back turned to him. When you realized what he was doing, you turned to face him and then punched him with all the strength within you. Your brother was there too but he could not see because everything was dark. Again, he touched you and you attacked him, punching him over and over in a fit of rage. He said to your brother, “she keeps hitting me”, to which you yelled, “Tell him why I am hitting you!” He fell silent and that was the last time he ever abused you.

It took courage for you to stand up to him after all those years. I am proud of you. He can’t hurt you anymore and you are safe now.

Shadow

4 thoughts on “It takes courage

  1. I’m sorry , I meant for me. I felt it was liberating. as an adult I always thought I should have crashed a lamp on one of them . But that was through adult eyes . I was just a child . I felt good hearing you struck him.
    i m sorry for all you suffered, during and after..

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  2. Oh my god, you punched him! That feels so liberating, yet so miraculous, as by this time it would be more likely that the the controls are very much in place and there’d be no way out until discovered by an adult who finally did something. Just wow.

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    1. Perhaps it was a coincidence…his reason for not abusing me anymore could of been because it was close to the time for me to start my menstrual cycle or it could have been because it was around this time that he had enlisted in the Air Force. I would like to think it was because I finally fault back.

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      1. *fought not “fault”…although, I have spent a lot of time “faulting” too. Also an adult never discovered any of what was going on until I broke the silence and began telling family members ten years after it all began. Liberating? I do not recall feeling this way. The aftermath felt closer to debilitating.

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