Disappearing

Several years ago, I began a correspondence with a pen pal via email. I was pretending from the very beginning…wearing one of those masks that I mentioned before. Early on I think I became more attached that I should have. But that is what I do, right? Idealize only to devalue later. I shared some of the most intimate details about my life with her. Some of it was even true but intertwined with so many lies it is hard to tell what is what now. For a long time she was my best friend…my only friend. But now that has changed.
Lately, I have felt dismissed by her. Ignored. Unimportant. I don’t know what I was expecting really since she lives more than 12 hours away. I am even uncertain of what I wanted or needed. And so now it is time for me to do what I do when my “relationships” with others become uncomfortable or too difficult to maintain…or if I think they are getting too close. I must disappear.
And this decision comes at just the right time. A time when I am moving to another town without leaving a forwarding address. So any snail correspondence she sends will not reach me. Only time will tell if I will feel guilt over this matter.
-Shadow

“Sundown” by Gordon Lightfoot

Who am I?

Since I moved out of my former apartment after only a short while, I had to find something else before my father’s house had to be put up for sale.  Lucky for me, there is this guy at work who just so happened to have a one bedroom cabin on his property that he is willing to rent to me. I went to look at it and when I arrived and got out of the vehicle, the first thing I said to him is “This is a paradise!”  I love nature and love being in nature…and in a rural area…I don’t like city life, as I might have mentioned before. I don’t know how people function with all the distractions and noise. Anyway, he had trails all through the woods. A great place to find a sit spot and observe nature I thought.  I looked at the cabin too since that was the purpose for my visit.  It was a rustic cabin that look like something straight out of the movies.  The area is quiet and I absolutely love the place.

It is so perfect for me that I am waiting for something to go wrong before I move in on October the 1st.  Or even for something to happen and not be able to rent the place. Maybe I think I don’t deserve it and that is why I am being so negative about it.  That all I deserve is some crummy apartment in a noisy city. Maybe I am just always thinking I should not get my hopes up. That sometimes good things happen to people but I am not usually one of those people.  

Stay positive, I tell myself.  Everything will work out.

In other news, I went to see my therapist yesterday.  The question I am to consider is: “Who am I when I am not wearing a mask?”  Hmmm, that is a really tough question. Seems like I am always wearing a mask.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have them. And someday not wearing one of them seems scary.  I don’t know who I am without them. Maybe I am nothing. Surely I do not wear them when I am alone.  But who am I then?

-Shadow

Brother

Where were you, brother,

When he chained me to fear?

You were there the whole time,

Your loyalties made clear.

 

What was the purpose, brother,

Of stripping me bare?

Exposing my naked body,

To those who gloat and stare.

 

Did you enjoy it, brother,

Forcing us all to have sex?

As you stood by and watched,

Yelling “You are up next!”

 

Was it funny, brother,

Grabbing me by my feet?

Flinging me to the ground,

And dragging me across the street.

 

Does it make you feel better, brother,

To tell people how you care for me?

When you both kept me in fetters,

Without a way to ever flee.

 

© Shadow

No more to stay

Falling in love

Wasn’t what I planned

The attachment is strong

Beneath my feet, only sand.

 

Hair black as night

Body made of fire

Don’t get too close

Her love wraps you in wire.

 

Kept running to you

But was chasing the wind

I was a fool to believe

You were my best friend.

 

You meant everything to me

Charmed me in every way

But you were only in dream

No more to stay.

 

© Shadow

To be a tree

My back against a tree

as my mind aimlessly wanders

Til at last

I begin to ponder.

Oh how I love

how the wind caresses my skin

and how it swirls

The leaves into a spin.

What does the tree think

of this silent whisper?

Of the whipping air

when it grows crisper?

I wonder about

the life of a tree

who never speaks

nor have eyes to see.

Yet they all

have a story to tell

wrapped up inside

its strong bark shell.

View their branches

and ponder their shape

look at the vine

of which the trunk cannot escape.

See their leaves

their various shape and color

Consider its life

does it know dolor?

I wonder what it’s like

to be a tree

I wonder what it’s like

To just be.

© Shadow

Ketuvim 4

My adaptation of Psalms 4

No one answered me when I called,

no one relieved me from my distress.

Who will comfort me or hear my prayer?

How long will he keep putting me to shame?

How long will he keep me in these chains?

Know that he has set you apart as a slave for himself

No one will save you from his clutches.

I trembled in his presence,

And when I was on his bed, I was utterly silent.

I was a sacrifice to feed his desires,

And trust became my enemy.

Who will bring me relief from my sorrow?

Where is the light that brings healing?

My heart is filled with dispair

And my body is consumed with fear

When the memories of old abound.

There is no peace when I lay down to sleep,

for I am completely alone

And no where can I dwell in safety.

© Shadow

Moving in and out, then facing a fear

I took some time off from work, packed up my things and got ready to move into my new apartment.  I was excited about getting my own small place. I moved everything by myself, with no help from my brother although he assured me “family comes first” and he would help me.  But he only likes to talk about how he “takes care” of his younger sister.

In any case, I got everything moved in and everything went downhill from there.  I was awake for the next three nights unable to sleep because the place was so fucking noisy.  Primarily from my upstairs neighbor. It reminded me of when I was once chased by a bull. It felt like the ground beneath my feet was shaking.  This is what the upstairs neighbor lady was doing to my walls and ceiling. Running, jumping, blasting music…sometimes it sounded like she was skating on roller blades and that she was actually in my apartment.

I have suffered from chronic insomnia all of my adult life.  Historically, I had been prescribed various psychotropic medications to help alleviate it.  But I quit taking them a few years ago when I convinced myself that the pharmaceutical companies had a conspiracy to keep me sick.  Since that time, I have cycled through various over the counter sleep aids…some more effective than others. None of them were effective in this case. Every night,  I ended up taking 150mg of diphenhydramine, using a box fan for white noise, and noise canceling headphones that played sleep music and hoping I would get some sleep. The lady still kept me awake until 2am and I had to get up at 5am to get ready for work.  This went on night after night. And during the day, my head was in a haze from all the sleep aid I had taken the night before…and the sleep I didn’t get.

After about a week or two of this, I became severely depressed.  It quickly turned to anger and then I sat down to make plans. I tried to come up with a way to make her have a very unfortunate accident…I’m not really a planner though…I respond mostly to impulse…I could just shoot her, I thought, but that scenario wouldn’t end well for me…I found myself fantasizing about this day after day.  It consumed me. I wanted to watch her, learn her habits, see who visited her…but because she lived above me, it made it difficult to do this.  So instead, I impulsively left.

I packed up a few items and went back to my father’s empty house where I slept on the floor for the first week.  I was so excited about the silence that I sat there for hours doing nothing but listening to the silence. It was wonderful.  I was happy to be in quietness again but it was short lived.

I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time during my treatment that’s been going on for over a year.  Background: I have been in and out of therapy a lot since I was 17. I must be addicted. In any case, this time around I had refused treatment from the psychiatrist because I fear them.  I told my counselor it’s because, they prescribe pills and keep me sick. But the truth is, they see through my bullshit and that makes me uncomfortable. Why does it make me uncomfortable?  Because I want people to see whatever I decide to let them see. And that doesn’t work, if its a good psychiatrist. Why am I in therapy then? Because I have no friends and we all need someone to talk to.

Anyway, back to my visit with the psychiatrist.  So I go into the room and there’s the psychiatrist on a video chat…on a very large TV screen.  I sat in one of the two chairs in the room…the one closest to the door of course. First, he asked why I was there.  “Because I feel like killing my fucking neighbor. I need to sleep and my mind needs to shut up, it’s like a radio without an off button,”  I tell him. Then he begins to ask a series of questions that I can only assume it is to get some background information. He wanted to know about previous psychiatric diagnoses, if I had every been confined to a psychiatric unit, etc.  Then he begins asking a series of questions to see if I meet criteria for Borderline. This wasn’t my first rodeo, I knew what he was doing…he suspected Borderline and that’s why he was asking those questions. But I answered all of his questions anyway as if I was under some kind of spell.  That is what happens when my shield is down.

Clever, I later thought, a video chat with a psychiatrist makes people feel more comfortable because the psychiatrist is not physically there.  So I had my guard down, less likely to lie and more likely to talk openly. Very clever and I didn’t see it.  Eliminating Borderline from my psychiatric history failed.  Why do I want to eliminate it? That is good question. What is my problem with this term that has plagued me for years?  It’s definitely questions I should explore further.

-Shadow