How do I forgive myself

TRIGGER WARNING:  Those who have suffered childhood traumas may be triggered by the contents of this post.  Please proceed with caution.

A letter to my inner child

Dear Gwennie,

With tears in my eyes I write this to you. I write because I must. I write because, otherwise I do not know how to reach you.

Gwennie, I saw when he had you lying on your back in the woods. I saw his hands when he took leaves to wipe away sperm from your vagina. You were frozen as if dead, but I saw you because I was floating above you. I am sorry I did not help you. I saw when you gagged as he forced you to perform oral sex on him. You could not see me because I was floating above you. I am sorry I did not tell someone what he made you do. I was there in that dark room with you every time he thought he was hiding his deeds under the bedding. I know you thought you were alone, but I was there floating above you. I am sorry I did not speak up or tell anyone he was hurting you.

As time passed, I ignored your tears, your screams, your hurt, and your sadness. It was too painful for me to face. I felt shame and guilt for not helping you because I was frozen too.

You still sit down below somewhere in the darkness. What was once a fearful place for you has now become your only comfort and I can no longer see you. But I know you are there because your memories, your tears, your pain, your sadness, and your screams still torment me.

Gwennie, please don’t be mad at me. I wanted to help you but I was so afraid. Can you ever forgive me? And if so, how do I forgive myself?

Shadow

In chains

My life spinning out of control

Feeling nothing but pain

Giving it all, body and soul

Locked up in these chains.

 

Feeling like I can’t break free

Not wanting to say good-bye

Eyes clouded, I cannot see

Always being high.

 

Living life day by day

Going through the motions

Slowly turning into clay

Engulfed with emotions.

 

Beginning to see the light

Giving me wings to fly

Always feeling in flight

Then taking away the sky.

©Shadow

What do you know about her?

Note:  I often use kennings in my poetry.  To help make this poem more understandable, I used the following kennings:

the fire of the sky=sun; swan of blood=raven; Thor’s laughter=thunder; weeping of clouds=rain

What do you know about her?

This one who loves to see

The fire of the sky

In the evening, alone with me.

 

What do you know about her?

The one who is intrigued by

The odd swan of blood

But know not what makes her cry.

 

Tell me what you know

Of what she likes to hear

Thor’s laughter in the distance

Music to the ear.

 

Tell me what you know

Of what she likes to smell

The weeping of clouds

Makes her emerge from her shell.

 

Tell me what you know

About all of her tears

Her lifelong problems

Of tantrums and fears.

 

Do you know this little girl?

Living down below

Deep in the shadows

Still in chains from long ago.

 

Who is this little girl?

Who learned to be an imposter

Never growing up

Still waiting for her well-being to foster.

©Shadow

Brother

Where were you, brother,

When he chained me to fear?

You were there the whole time,

Your loyalties made clear.

 

What was the purpose, brother,

Of stripping me bare?

Exposing my naked body,

To those who gloat and stare.

 

Did you enjoy it, brother,

Forcing us all to have sex?

As you stood by and watched,

Yelling “You are up next!”

 

Was it funny, brother,

Grabbing me by my feet?

Flinging me to the ground,

And dragging me across the street.

 

Does it make you feel better, brother,

To tell people how you care for me?

When you both kept me in fetters,

Without a way to ever flee.

 

© Shadow

Little girl lost

I want to tell a story

About a little girl

Hiding in the dark

Afraid of the world.

Her thoughts were often jumbled

And her words were amix

But no one really knew

She was alone since she was six.

She was often distant from others

And ran from open arms;

But it was just an automatic response

From her internal alarm.

She kept a secret inside

This constant, painful thorn;

It’s her new life

Of how she was born.

She wrapped herself in barbed wire

And wouldn’t let anyone in;

It became a consuming fire

And she blamed herself for the sin.

She used to play these movies

Over and over in my head;

But then she disappeared

So I thought she was dead.

I closed the door behind her

That little girl lost;

Whose frozen in time

And now covered in frost.

This is the story

About a little girl

Who found her safe place

Away from the world.

© Shadow August 2017