Do you remember how hard I tried to fit in? To just be like everyone else? Even before then I wore that blanket of shame and guilt that he poured onto me like melted plastic. I know I was unlovable but no one noticed my pain. Even you threw me in a box and tried to bury me alive. You would beat me up on a routine basis. You screamed at me, disfiguring me with razors, and poisoned me. Are you that afraid of me? I wanted someone to listen to me but you thought you knew better. Did I deserve this injustice? Am I that evil that someone had to teach me a lesson?
You speak of forgiveness? I was abandoned and left to rot in all that fear, anger and confusion that drowned me like a flood. I had a one way ticket to hell. I was helpless and afraid. I couldn’t even speak or stand up for myself. I know it was my fault that he continued to abuse me for years. I looked up to him and even though I trembled with fear that he would touched me, still I wanted to be around him. All the while, wanting to stay away but couldn’t.
Do you remember that time when he cared for me? I was sick…vomiting. He got a cold wash cloth and wiped my forehead. In that moment I thought he liked me. As soon as I recovered, I realized that believing he really cared was only so he could take care of his own selfish needs. I knew I was not safe with anyone no matter how much they pretended to like me. All of them are just like him.
So you want forgiveness? Tell me Shadow, do you think I trust you?